The shock has worn off and that momentary, incandescent fury is fading into disappointment and bitterness. Missed opportunities.
'What if I had.....?' That perpetual question, useless to brood over, but persistent in its torture. And I know I will find some fault, some missing piece in my actions if I look hard enough.
For all the prayers (however irreligiously offered), every silent whispered wish (so many times everyday) there is not even the slightest hint of a happy ending in the future. Forget about a happy ending for now, what I’m really missing is a happy beginning. I keep analysing everything that happens around me, trying to convince myself that even the not-so-good events will ultimately be succeeded by the happiest. Trying to find connections where none exist. These cruel coincidences rattle me. Because I know, to be very honest, that there is no other meaning to them. No hidden messages or signs from above. My life is just the product of what I do and what I choose not to. Any outside influence that is acknowledged will have played its part only through mischief. There is no divine providence, and no Felix Felicis.
I need a win, I really do.
Possibilities. That is all I would have had on my plate if you had let it happen. And of course I could have never come to know of it, but my own curiosity is to blame, and I now know that which gives me only pain. And unanswered questions. About missed opportunities....
