Silence of the words

I am writing this because I can't stand to see the emptiness here. The neglect.
I wonder why I only write inside my head now. I think, but I don't give myself time to write them down, the impatient thoughts, and I don't see any difference anymore. Thinking it is writing it.
I do this with people as well. I have imaginary conversations as and when I need to talk. I'm not going crazy. I just know them well enough to know exactly what they are going to say. Or maybe, I am afraid they have changed and will have a different point of view?
My biggest beef with facebook, is that my phone bills are so very low.
What if I embark on this experiment - I call every one of them, and see how long it is until we reach the awkward pause. I let it hang now, I let it be visible, I don't try to hush away its existence with a nonchalant 'and what else?'. The awkward pause is my admonishment.

Today

  

The shock has worn off and that momentary, incandescent fury is fading into disappointment and bitterness. Missed opportunities.

'What if I had.....?' That perpetual question, useless to brood over, but persistent in its torture. And I know I will find some fault, some missing piece in my actions if I look hard enough.

For all the prayers (however irreligiously offered), every silent whispered wish (so many times everyday) there is not even the slightest hint of a happy ending in the future. Forget about a happy ending for now, what I’m really missing is a happy beginning. I keep analysing everything that happens around me, trying to convince myself that even the not-so-good events will ultimately be succeeded by the happiest. Trying to find connections where none exist. These cruel coincidences rattle me. Because I know, to be very honest, that there is no other meaning to them. No hidden messages or signs from above. My life is just the product of what I do and what I choose not to. Any outside influence that is acknowledged will have played its part only through mischief. There is no divine providence, and no Felix Felicis.

I need a win, I really do.

Possibilities. That is all I would have had on my plate if you had let it happen. And of course I could have never come to know of it, but my own curiosity is to blame, and I now know that which gives me only pain. And unanswered questions. About missed opportunities....